I do not dream very often but when I do they are vivid and significant. I tend to not forget them either. They may fade into the back of my mind, but then suddenly and unexpectedly one day that dream will surface again.
However I rarely ever have nightmares. Can be years in between them. But I had one last night. My nightmares are not about Monsters but trauma. We all have trauma or many of some kind.
What may seem like a small trauma to some, can be a Big Trauma to the victim. It's about how badly it affects the victim.
When I have a good dream I am excited to share it with someone.
When I have a strange or odd dream that I have no idea what the hell it was about or where the thoughts could have come from, I will try to find someone that I feel who has good insight to help me interpret them if I am feeling so compelled to do so.
But, when I have a Nightmare I rarely tell anyone. Because I feel that I need to make peace with it. It may be a very personal and intimate event containing secrets from my past that still today I have not shared with anyone.
I contemplate on whether I need to or want to expose myself from the most embarrassing and regrettable moments in my past life.
I think the reason that I really have a personal nightmare such a these is that I have worked very hard for so many years educating myself in recovery communities that I have gathered an insurmountable stockpile of life coping skills when dealing with emotional trauma.
None the less, reliving the traumatic nightmare from the past is the same nightmare I have in my sleep.
And on even more rare occasions I will have one of those "Jump Up In Bed, In A Dripping Sweat Nightmares" where you are feeling your body to make sure it is there and the bed, too while looking around to see if what is happening is real or not.
And when I finally do feel that it was all only a nightmare I have the feeling of "THANK GOD!". However I will stay where I am on the edge of the bed for a while in shock until I can get a grip on things,
I even may wonder my groggy state if the nightmare was real and that the wonderful life I have today is actually is unreal?
But that would mean it was a wishing dream right?
So then it's definitely a nightmare!? But no worries folks! That passes. It's, not a horror movie! LOL!
Even though when I know for certain that right now is real, I am still fascinated and emotionally moved to want to know more about it by investigating what could this nightmare be trying to show me?
I do believe in messages from God. Whether they are a biochemical reaction or not. I believe that God made all things and that includes biology and other sciences,
After all, science is the study of all things. But science is not the God that many make it to be, in my opinion, as is theirs.
The first thing that I do is try to identify where I am in a nightmare. If it is unfamiliar to me, then I ask myself, "What kind of place is this that compares to where I have been before?".
Then I attempt to identify the feelings that I am having. Am I Scared, Sad, and Lost, or simply Horrified altogether!
What are my behaviors? What am I thinking and doing in the nightmare?
With these observations and conclusions, the story unfolds.
My nightmares are always the same base scenario. They are reflections of actual; situations that I have experienced many times. These events did traumatize me. PTSD (Post Traumatic Syndrome Disorder).
PTSD isn't only about having violence done to you but also from witnessing it.
In a nightmare, you can witness what you are doing to yourself that which is violent. That likely will trigger terrific guilt and shame,
Self-destruction induced by depression or rage employing suicide attempts, drug abuse, degradation, and other self-afflicting and traumatizing behaviors.
Not to ever dismiss the travesty of one's physical, verbal, mental, and emotional abuse by others done onto the victim but my nightmares are not about my abusers or the violence but the damage that I inflicted upon myself.
But over many years I had to learn that most of the damage that I believe I did to myself wasn't actually my own intentional harm.
You see I had been blaming myself for far too many things that were not in my control to prevent from happening. But I felt as if somehow, that I caused my own harm by causing someone else to harm me, and as a result, I did even more harm to myself.
We can carry these nightmares with us all of our lives with no reprieve as the tapes play over and over and they are real! We may never, ever forget them!
But can we make peace with them? Is it possible to understand them? Why these nightmares are occurring?.
Of course, it is possible in many numerous therapeutic ways. But you have to be willing to participate. If you are resistant to seek help it may be that you don't want help.
I know my nightmares were all I had and they were my accomplishments as twisted and demeaning as they all were.
Are you confused by me saying that which I just suggested? Well, you might be able to understand it if you seek out the therapeutic help I just suggested.
I am so sorry to seem so harsh. But it's Tough Love. And I Love You and God loves you too, but you are the only one that can save yourself from your own nightmares by forgiving yourself.
And God will save you from the nightmares of the future if we ask him for forgiveness too. But it may not only be violence, it can be abandonment. or any unsafe, unsecured, confusion such as being lost in the middle of nowhere with no money, or way to call for help.
Imagine how a helpless child or an innocent animal must feel in that way when they are unexpectantly abandoned too?
When I runway from home at 15 due to unbearable environmental circumstances, I had to survive on the streets, It is a very dangerous and unpredictable lifestyle at such a young age while being preyed upon by vultures cruising in cars persuading you to get in.
And the hunger pangs from not eating were far greater than the risk. It was for me, the leaving proverbial frying pan called home into the fire of the big cities.
I remember having to endure their pleasures that seemed to me like forever and then afterward, only to not get compensated in any way that would ease my hunger and then also to be put out of the car, into the dark with nowhere insight to go.
But that was not the worst of it all. I could have been left for dead many times living this way, and never to be seen or heard from again.
Just a cold case file that could empty a mother's soul from never knowing. My God I Love My Mom And Family! Thank You, Jesus Christ!
My amends to them is every day that I take care of myself and pass on that care to others in need. What better way to forgive ourselves other than making sense of all that was so senseless before and putting ital;l to Good use.
Now, these nightmares were also daymares. Sometimes I would be sitting in a room watching T.V. or on the computer and an image would trigger a similar experience and my body would shutter and shiver momentarily at the thought.
And at that moment the feeling was extremely uncomfortable, to say the least. And in the same way, also, waking from a nightmare, these daymares also take time to process. But the recovery time today is fast.
Because I trust myself and I trust in my Lord in that there is no reason that I ever have to harm myself again. I never have to worry again about being rescued when I am already saved.
This has always been my dream. To feel safe and secure.
To be doing all the amazing things I am today that I never in a billion years believe that someone like me could be doing so many good things to help so many people understand as I did the difference between a dream and a nightmare.
And Yes! If you believe it, Dreams Can Come True.
Thanks as always for letting me share. Dream Big!
Well, this is a first. God has me moving and busy as always, but I don't believe I often make three, story posts in a row for three days straight. He must have something to say that perhaps some folks that may need to know it. I'm just the vessel.
So the title of this particular post is "Strength And Endurance". Well, we all know what these two words mean and what they mean together too right?
But I am going to use these two words to describe my prayers in troubled times. I am very sure that I am not the only one to believe in what I am about to say.
You see when I am in trouble or Really Bad Trouble from many of life's trials and tribulations unless I am in severe pain or my life is being threatened, I do not ask God to remove my hardships and burdens. But instead, I pray for the "Strength and Endurance" to get through them.
Because it has been said for centuries, "For All Things, There Is A Reason And A Purpose!". It's also been said, "Sometimes Ya Gotta Go Through Hell To Get To Heaven".
If you have read the Bible or some, or most all spiritual texts around the world, then you will find in many places they are filled with characters who suffered in many different ways and some for very long periods of time.
But more about that further down the post.
But first, if you will allow me a few questions. How often do we not know what it is that we need until we need it? Or realize what we had until it is gone? Yet we never seem to forget what we want. Perhaps, that is, until we get it, then, we want something else?
Is there ever a greater time, for the appreciation of a life other than when it has been taken from us? Why wait? It has been said that,.....
"When You Are Aware That Your Days Are Numbered, Then There Is A Superlative Revererance For The Precious Gift Of Time!
And No Other Time Than When We Are Faced With Our Own Mortality. Or to put it more crudely,
"When You Are About To Die, The Only Thing That Might Be On Your Mind Is Wanting To Live!",
But some folks like me are not afraid of death. That is could be until I find myself at Deaths Door. But who knows? I may not be scared and ready to go with trust in my God that everything will be alright if I just let go.
I may even be looking forward to peace in paradise as I choose to believe in it. Or I may just Freak Out altogether LOL!
There are three things that I do for sure "right now". And that is at this moment, as in every single moment.
(1) I Live! And I live like it was my last day on earth. Because it might very well be.
(2) Another thing I know at this moment is that I have no regrets. I have made peace and amends for all my sins as I continue to do so every day as I sin every day.
(3) I believe that all things that occurred to me in my past were Opportunities to gain knowledge from Right and Wrong.
Yes, they were all my choices Good or Bad. But I feel that they were my path to choose from. Either way, was a learning lesson. Experiences that had I chosen to learn from.
Then to not just learn, from the joys and consequences so to become aware, but actually apply the wisdom into action, cognitive understanding, multi-perspectives, broader insights, expanded consciousness, and an endless array of spiritual principles to acquire a more moral compass.
Moral Compass? Ugh, ahem, let's just say, "Progress not Perfection. LOL! Perfection is impossible to achieve as human beings, of course, That is the whole point of being fallible. To overcome our never-ending imperfections,
And like sinning every day, and asking for forgiveness every day, again, that's the whole point of being fallible, as i choose to see it.
How many of you non-Catholic(such as myself), think that the practice of "Confession" in the Holy Church is useless and makes no sense to confess and then go out and sin some more?
And then to keep coming back to confess every time they sin again and again?. Even if they keep committing the same sin over and over? Who would say, "That's is Fake and Insincere and God would never forgive that!"
I get it! I totally get it! I always thought the same thing! It was like WTH? Ridiculous. But as I mentioned above about multi-perspectives and broader insights today and every day I recover new ways to see things now.
And this is possible because I no longer decide who and what God forgives and doesn't. Because I am too busy asking for my own salvation to be busy with other sins. Or is it known as a "busy-body"
No, I have not converted to Catholicism, nor have I ever step into a Catholic church, As a matter of fact, to some, I may be lost or found within myself as a proclaimed Christian! But without a doctrine to follow or belong to.
I do not belong to any religious congregation at all. But I have visited many and will go when invited to any place of worship if I choose to. It's like exploring different cultural foods! It's fun and educational!
However many religions that I have ever attended strongly believe that their religion is the only truth. But since I believe that Christ is the only truth I don't feel the need to follow anyone else but Jesus.
So can I be a Christian without a church? I am almost certain that many folks have something to say about my lost and confused soul.
But if you are so kind as to worry about my soul? Instead of warning me of damnation, could you pray for my salvation instead? Thank you. I'll pray for yours too.
So about confession. It came to me one day. I believe that I must ask forgiveness every day. Then I said to myself, Hmmm? Could that be the same thing as going to a priest and confessing one's sin again and again?
Although I chose to go directly to the source. LOL!
But again folks may say that I am not doing it the right way? I am not sure that there is a wrong way.
Some fundamentalists may say, "The Bible says, The Bible says!" like a proselytizing parrot (squawk).
I read the Bible quite a bit. It's very interesting with lots of great stories and teaching moments. It isn't contradicting as many would say but rather requires "Spiritual Discernment"
It isn't a matter of interpretation to me either, but I believe that there are the same principles applied in different ways depending on what is occurring at the time.
I believe in one truth and also believe in multiple truths. God is all things and created all things, so other than The Son why would I think that there is only one truth?
If you find my way of thinking confusing that's Ok. It works for me. And it saved my life too. And if I am wrong? I know that I will be forgiven. But again Wrong is a good way to learn Right for folks like me.
Now, let me throw you this insane ideological, theological-philosophy of mine at you. Are you ready?
You may not understand this one either if you still believe that my thinker is broken. But I feel that since God had me on this self-destructive path in my past, (in which I had survived by his grace alone), then I just might have asked for the worst!
Yea I know that it sounds Crazy to imagine how anyone would ask for a horrible thing to happen to them. But how else could a person such as I get such an expanded consciousness than to have endured some of the most challenging situations to overcome?
Did I know somewhere inside me that, "God Never Gives Us Any More Than We Can Handle?"
If you come out of the storm, (If you do) you bring with you so much incredible awareness. Such a greater appreciation for life and all things, even the very smallest of things, are BIG!
That the tiniest speck of light in a room consumed with darkness is Bright. And if you have lived in a cave for many years that light may even be blinding!
So at the beginning of this story post, I opened with, "Ya never know what you had until you no longer had it? But for me, I never knew what I was missing until now! And I no longer have anything to lose!
And all I want to do most of the time today is to help folks feel the same way. You don't have to go through what I did to gain what I have. It is in you already, It always has been.
Sometimes it's just about having a supportive person in your life to help you recognize all your gifts, abilities, talents, skills, or whatever makes you a confident, empowered, inspired, and happy person!
Thanks again for letting me share! Love Is A Necessity. Happiness Is A Choice.
White? Privilege? How Do You Judge Me?
"No juzgues un libro por su portada. ¡Puede que te pierdas una historia increíble!"
Perhaps you just saw the title of this story post and already you may be ready to fight! Well read on if you will, I am not here to offend anyone.
As for me? Folks don't offend me unless I allow them to. Cuz no one has control over my feelings and emotions
In the end, it's all about Love! So Don't Judge A Book By Its Cover, Until You Read The Entire Book.
As a rule, I tend to avoid controversial subjects such as politics. And especially identity politics and political correctness. But I believe that when I write a story post that I am moved by God to do so. And Yes that is a very special privilege to me.
And when I ask God what he wants me to write I usually get to write what I want to write too. I just choose to ask first. It usually is better than what I would write on my own, alone.
So I am going to express my feelings and emotions about a divisive topic since feelings and emotions are dividing the nation.
I thought that I might choose to explain my point of view so that perhaps someone who is easily offended by when I say, "Have A Nice Day" and they reply with, "Don't Tell Me What Kind Of Day To Have You Fascist!" they `might have less anger.
Wow! Happy Much? Hmmmm? Maybe I am just too old to understand the new ideologies of anger being the new overjoyed.
Anyway, it seems to me that since the 1960s of "Peace and Love", all the while burning The American Flag and spitting on our Veterans after returning home from a political war that really wasn't our war to begin with, according to my own personal researched opinion, that I am thinking all of the continued, anger has been escalating every decade.
Was it that after the 1960s there was so much brain damage from taking so much LSD? Or was it from the withdrawals from stop talking all the drugs when they had children and, got jobs and started paying taxes?
Wait! Who stopped taking drugs? Then there was the 1970's and you couldn't use the bathroom in the dance clubs because all the stalls were full of disco freaks doing coke! LOL! Funny but true.
And as a former addict myself, I know from personal experience coming off of drugs isn't exactly the best way to maintain a pleasant attitude. To say the least. Ok, enough fun at your expense Baby Boomers! LOL!
So about this 'White Privilege'. I am assuming, that you are assuming, by looking at my photos, that I am White? Well, my mother and all my relatives on her side are Mexican, And since I am a Proud Texan, you can call me "Tex-Mex" culture.
But I look White right? Well if you hate me because I am White then I would think that constitutes racism as I understand it. I mean judging another person on the color of their skin? But guess what I'm not White.
But you didn't know that did you? And my last name is "Burton" on my father's side, so again, you may be assuming that I am only Welsh. But look closely at my physical features? Do I look like I am a purebred from Wales in the southwest of Great Britain?
Now let's talk about the "Privileged" part of this story post. Ok since there are so many others, that may be assuming I am White because I look White to them, then I suppose I do have more "Advantage" and "Opportunities" in this world. but hardly any privileges.
Besides, who can you prevent being born what and who you are in order to not be hated? Isn't that the same thing that has to happen to oppressed people of color?
To me, it isn't about Dr. Reverand Martin Luthers King Jr's Dream. But instead trying to gain the power that was being held over the oppressed people so as to oppress the ones that were the oppressors.
To me, equality and justice ls not about repeating wrongful history in order to seek revenge through entitlement. Be not like those who anger, but rise above and try to forgive. Why would we pray for our enemy?
Not so much only for them to find peace from their anger. But so we can find peace too by removing the anger from our hearts.
Ask God who is entitled to anything on earth that was never ours, to begin with? We are only passengers. We are not in control of anything. We do not need to be controlling others by force or intimidation.
However, I can see privilege! I mean if I had kids I couldn't send them to an Ivy League University because I am so wealthy that I could Bribe the college exam administrators.
My Dad was a womanizing, abusive man, a raging alcoholic, to my mother and brothers and he was a factory worker, so I couldn't use his name or the money he didn't have (or claimed that he didn't have) to get ahead in life.
Yea! It was the 1970's in Texas and I was getting my butt kicked every day by homophobic bullies and I did not even know I was gay at that time.
But apparently, they did. When my Dad found out he nearly killed me literally and I had to leave home at 15.
From then on I did what all teen-age runaways do and sold my youth and my body to survive. And several times I nearly got killed that way too.
So I have been fighting all of my life and still am today trying to take my seat at the table because my personality is "off the wall" "loud" "hyper' "weird" or how about "different?"
Ya' know what they call that right? Prejudice, oppression, discrimination, judgemental. But here's the deal. I am not emotionally immature. I am not offended, All that happened to me, only made me stronger, because it didn't kill me.
I worked my butt off too for many years trying to undo all of it. And when I discovered that I could not undo the past, then I had no choice but to make peace with my demons. Let Go!
Today I can forgive, but will never forget. The scars and wounds will never heal. But they no longer rule my life emotionally.
Today I am a volunteer "Life Coach". I don't have a degree, and you do not need one. But I do have the life training and a desire to help heal others who suffer as I once did.
Today I am a productive member of society and involved in community service giving back what God's grace gave to me.
I am not angry any longer and I have no hate towards anyone. But if I don't like you or what you do or how you live that does not make me a fascist or racist. Because I may like your brother. sister or cousin, but not you.
I discovered from the simple fact, that from my resilience and endurance, that I'm a tough guy, very creative and intelligent. So don't hate me for that too. Because so are you!.
So chill out folks. Cant, you see that we are being used against each other, by still others, so they can get what they want by convincing us that we are getting what we want? But never do.
And the ones using us are being used as well by a greater negative force whose only purpose is to separate us all from our common wants and needs.
Do we humans have far more in common than that which is so different?
In a life and death situation, my enemy is my savior, If I am drowning in the ocean and the only lifesaver is from a person I despise. And would I accept it? Hell, Yes, I would! I'm no fool!
We don't have to like each other, but when we both are faced with the same enemy, then it might be a good idea to set aside our differences at least until we defeat the threat together. Then you can go on your way and me on mine.
But what could we have learned from each other and about each other as we fought side by side?
And is that really what we want? Anger, hate, division, and resentment? Possibly from the past? Maybe not getting the attention, acceptance, support, and love that we feel that we needed? That's my story.
I Love You! I may not like you, but I Love You! LOL! I Love You because we all want the same thing. Peace, Unity, and Acceptance.
I have achieved all this by surrendering my self-will and my life over to the care of the God of my own understanding. A universal consciousness that loves some exactly the way I am.
That I do not have a fight or dance and sing for anyone else in order to win over their approvals. And when nobody wants to Love me than my Father who art in Heaven does, and always will.
As a matter of fact, I learned that he always did love me even when I was harming myself in ways that I thought he would never come 10 feet near me. Turns out that I was never alone. But I didn't realize it back then.
Brain Washed? Religious-Cult Indoctrination? No that's for folks who are seeking something in their lives perhaps that they feel is missing. Then the cultist tells them what they want to hear. So that is how that works. Like certain politicians. LOL!
No that was not my case, You see? I wasn't looking for God. God found me instead. I suppose it was just my time.
When I say that I surrendered my will, I didn't know that I had. I finally realized that I was doing the same things over and over for years upon years and the outcomes were always the same and nothing had ever changed.
My surrender meant I stopped fighting everybody and the world around me. I was so tired and it felt so good to not be able to get up off the ground. I rested for the first time in many decades. My teeth relaxed, my fist unraveled, and I cried for hours!
The force from the release of my tears and pain could have knocked down all the walls around me in the room. Yes, the walls did come down that day.
And to be honest with you. The only thing that had changed, in this crazy world, and all its people and problems, was "me, myself and I"
How I respond, react, and feel about life is more positive. Because when I believed that God loved me, then I began to love myself! And you know what? I am not perfect, But I am perfectly imperfect!
I May Not Be Where I Think I Should Be, But I Sure As Hell Ain't Where I Was!
And I Wouldn't "Give Up" My Wonderful Life, For You Our Anyone Else On This Earth!
But I will gladly "Give It Away" instead. Pass it On!
Thanks for letting me share again! Live In Peace Not In Pieces!
Ok friends, time for another story post, It's been a while since the last one, as I like so many today have been super busy with all things COVID.
This is exactly why I need to write a therapeutic story post, to recharge and get back into the game. And the best way for me is to empower others so that I may be empowered as well!
This is what survivors do for each other! After all, the earth will spin on its axis no matter what we do until it no longer does.
In many of my other story posts, when it comes to proven facts that are based on scientifically documented research I can provide physical evidence that is mutually agreed upon by communities in the numerous felids of science (s)
Before I continue this post I feel it is important to recognize that for those who do have a belief in a universal consciousness of good then there is also the awareness of negative forces that only want the worst for us.
It uses our own demises that we use against ourselves as well as against each other when allowing ourselves to be influenced by this menacing force, But Let The Enemy Of Good, Teach Us, Good.
What are our own demises that we may be influenced by? Division, separation, segregation, discrimination, prejudice? Fear most likely produced from lack of association, experience, or knowledge of what it is that we are so afraid of.
Ya know the more you learn about the Monster the sooner you may discover that it is really only a mouse?
For some Fear is their security which of course, (in my opinion), is a Big and Clever way for this negative force to keep us in the same place that we claim is secure for us, but really we are so unhappy and miserable.
So it seems likely that we may never find the courage to leave our undesirable place to go in search of a better way of living.
Because Humans understandably must know that, "The Grass Is Greener On The Other Side. Before Leaving The Swamp". Good or Bad decisions, that's why God gave us all Free Will.
Of course, we can argue that there are copious circumstances where humans who suffer have no choice.
But that is yet another subject for another time, And all my posts are as long as it is. But I will add that this belief as legitimate as it is, is still fear.
And we most often fear the "What If?" by attempting to prevent something that has not happened to us but could!
Of course, there is no way to predict the future unless I call you ahead of time and tell you that your house is on fire because I am the one who sets your house on fire. LOL! That was my story post pun in which I try to include at least one!
So what of God and Science? Well, when it comes to God, I can only write about my own individual experiences and beliefs,
Although these beliefs are shared by a much larger percentage of planetary people other than those who only rely on scientific data and statistics known or proved to be true.
Religion Adherents Percentage
Christianity 2.4 billion 31.1%
Islam 1.9 billion 24.9%
Hinduism 1.2 billion 15.2%
Secular/Nonreligious/Agnostic/Atheist 1.1 billion 14.1%
Accurate demographics of atheism are difficult to obtain since conceptions of atheism vary across different cultures and languages from being an active concept to being unimportant or not developed.
In global studies, the number of people without a religion is usually higher than the number of people without a belief in a deity around 16%. A much smaller percentage by comparison
Ok since I am hardly a mathematician. I'll let you do the math.
The Cosmic Fundalmentalsit.
From science we are able to form all of the known constants in the Universe – say the speed of light in a vacuum for example.
There must be some underlying physical law, principle, or relations between physical laws and principles that determine what value those constants hold.
But what is the underlying state of physics and is that the next area of investigation that leads to the next scientific revolution? It never ends,
What we thought we knew today may not be correct, and what we are correct about may only be the tip of the surface leaving out so much yet to be discovered.
Change Is The Only Constant - Heraclitus. Ancient Greek Philosopher. Persian Empire, 500 BCE
We all face changes every day – whether it is a simple change in the weather, our schedule, or an expected change of seasons.
Change affects us all and we each deal with change differently. This only constant in life is change and the only thing we can be sure will happen.
*If you want to try to come to terms with the nature of the Universe (or Cosmos – a multi-verse), then we might want to eliminate humans from the equation as the Universe-Cosmos existed way, way before humanity was dreamt up in anyone’s philosophy.
And with the way, some humans behave that may not be a bad idea! LOL! But I better be quiet! Cuz I am sure to be among the first to go!
Further, also eliminate any discussion of God (or any other deity or deities) as well as the supernatural realm of said deity or deities, as nobody, and I mean absolutely nobody can actually demonstrate that God actually exists or ever existed.
Ok so here's the problem that creates the separation.
Ok as for me, my own personal argumentive- rebuttal has always been two things in my story post concerning why believing is either known as faith, belief, and hope in an unseen creator or by the doubt of solid collaboration.
I choose to take the easy what out as my life was very difficult most all my years trying to understand it all. So today I say,
"Why not just acknowledge science as created by God? Is that Science being the study of all God's creations? Too simple huh? Well, it wouldn't be science if it were not complicated right?
And also I will always include the question of.
"If you are going to attempt to scientifically question a person of faith on how they will prove God's existence, then it should be as equally scientific to disprove God's existence scientifically.
This simply can't be done either way.
The one thing that drives all humans to "Feel" what they believe is in fact emotional. Some may argue that it isn't emotions that drive them, but rather the facts presented.
But to have an opinion, you have to have a belief or doubt in something and that is a "Feeling of confidence"
Believing is believing, by definition. So whether you believe in God or not you still believe in your own truth whatever that may be.
But what motivates our beliefs more than all the other human emotions? Yep, once again, it's our old story post nemesis "Fear".
Fear of the unknown, fear of the future. Fear for our families and loved ones, Fear of not being able to support ourselves and active our goals AKA fear of failure. Fear of death. Fear of the end of all things?
Ugh Oh! Fear Of Being Wrong!? "Hey, Let Go My Ego!"
But wait! Is it really all Fear or could it be Insecurity? Is "feeling secure" what gives us happiness, peace, and safety? And is insecurity the cause for all our worries?
If we are living our lives every day in fear by feeling insecure all while our lives are so short and precious, then that (in my own opinion, and from personal experience) it is no way to live.
As a matter of fact, for me, it was the living-dead. Too Painful To Live Any Longer, And To Afraid To Die,
So here is our motivation! Acceptance.
The acceptance of the way things are. And acceptance comes from understanding. And understanding comes from knowledge. And knowledge reduces Fear. AKA Belief!
Unless we believe in the worst of course.
And Lord! The World Is Filled With These Poor Lost Souls Worried About Where Their Next Meal Is Coming From While Eating The Food On Their Plate In Front Of Them And So Many Millions Are Starving!
Oops,I accidentally step on my soapbox folks.
Whether we are faithful in our beliefs in God or Science alone, it is something to hold onto like a lifesaver, when we are feeling confused, uncertain, worried, stressed out, or simply curious.
For many they must find things that make sense, Right or Wrong these humans must make sense out of the senseless so as to feel.secure. Having a routine rather than to have changed.
What is science and what are scientists? Scientists are very curious intellectuals who obsessively show interest in all things in existence. And science is the study of all things in the multitudes of fields of scientific study and research.
One way to think about this is that, if we are never satisfied with our results then we are always searching, so there is nothing definitive to believe in.
On the other hand, believing completely in something can mean the searching never ends.
And then! Whether it is by Science or God the infinite universe could never be understood in only one lifetime
Wait please don't go there yet! Theoretic-Theology and Cultural Philosophy is a whole other story post regarding the possibilities of Reincarnation and how many lives could mean more knowledge each time.
Then again we must also consider the belief that the end of just one lifetime reveals all the knowledge of all things in the universe all at once upon entering the Kingdom of God.
Aggghhhhh! My Head! If you think reading all this is hard for you then how do you think I feel writing it all! LOL!
But this is the way to get it all out and in print! Find your coping medium I say, to live to fight another day! Whatever works right?
But there is one curious question I have for the Atheist. What is Love and where does it come from?
Is it all only due to the dopamine, norepinephrine, and phenylethylamine that we're releasing producing a "feeling" of bliss accompanied by a racing heart and excitement?
And if that were the case? Then does Love really matter? It is important to have and keep?
And if you "feel" so by saying Yes? Then why? If all human feelings are simply a biochemical reaction then why love anyone or anything at all?
Would it really matter? Would our desires diminish? And why be curious about anything then? And if evolution was the only answer then why evolve at all?
We could have just kept running around naked in a beautiful garden picking apples from the trees.
Or we might be still swinging branch to branch from one tree to another. Either way, there would be no need for a tree of knowledge right?
So what are we are all searching for? What is it that we need or that we believe that we need if in the end it all just goes black and there is nothing else?
The answers must come from within and derived from faith in one's own belief moment by moment.
I suppose another title for this story post could be called "Either Way, On The Other Hand," As I try to see things from more than one perspective while at the same time standing by my own personal convictions,.
Because beliefs can change as well as others are unchangeable.
And an open mind can result in an eclectic change of heart. But closing doors by proselytizing to those you feel are wrong certainly offers no room for contemplation of alternative ways of thinking.
More so it has been shown to us over time to serve as a deterrent for many from ever seeking new and different ideas. And if we think that we know it all, then we certainly cannot learn anything new.
And in conclusion, As for COVID? If you look very closely you can find peace in the middle of chaos.
Thanks again for letting me share!
When I write my story post and you are a reader of them then you may have noticed that I repeat many of the same messages but perhaps the story may change,
Its kinda like repetitive learning. Like when we listen to a favorite song over and over. Others call this brainwashing. But how I was living? My brain needed a good washing! LOL
I was harming myself in dark self-destruction and at the same time afraid of losing who I was. The enemy of humans and of God is a very clever evil that uses us against ourselves.
This hunter of faith whispers in our ears..... Lies!
But there is a voice of truth. And when or if you find it, then you will know the difference. However, with "Spiritual Discernment" comes the "Responsibility of Awareness".
"Who Am I Listening To, That I Do What I Do, Be It Right Or Wrong?"
Ya know in these chaotic and divisive times, the last thing we need is more judgment and less forgiveness?
Can folks change for the better? Or do we cast them aside like so many Christians that followed Jesus?
Are we not them? The oppressed and persecuted? Even in these times? For our faith and beliefs in an unseen Father?
I believe that Judgment is not ours to condemn the wicked as much as it to find the strength, courage, and will to forgive.
As impossible as it seems for us who have been so wronged or unimaginably damaged by another to find healing and peace through forgiveness it is possible.
To Forgive. But Never Forget. Is revenge, not the Lords? Because revenge, hate, anger, resentment, is poison to our souls. As if the revenge we take is upon our own selves.
In some way, do we blame ourselves for those wrongs done to us?
If I had done things differently then maybe they couldn't have harmed me?
I Am So Stupid To Allowed Them The Chance To Harm Me!
Had I not been there, where I shouldn't have been, none of this would have happened.
If I had not said what I said that provoked the harm, and I had done and instead I did what was expected of me, in the way my abusers wanted, I could have avoided all this.
"What Did I Do Wrong To Deserve This?" Why God? Why Did This Have To Happen? Why Did You Allow All This? What I Did Do?"
Are we so in control of our mission and strategies that we will have the retribution and vengeance that we have so longed for? Have we all our lives in dark places planning it all out that will bring us justice, satisfaction, and closure?
And as we seek revenge on our abusers, (even if they are no longer living) we know it will never happen. Because we can never change what occurred in the past to us. And the past is one second ago.
Without healing and forgiveness, we are likely to pass on all our hurt and pain to the next innocent victim. We may never know or understand Love and Peace. Prisoners. Incarcerated in emotional bondage.
Are We, They?
If we do pass on our legacy of fear, not only does the anger spread, but we are still the same. So what was the point of revenge? Where is the end of it all? What has changed?
God loves a sinner. God loves us for our imperfections. He uses the broken hearted as vessels for his word of hope.
Doing wrong can be an opportunity to learn to live right. Wisdom comes from experience, And perhaps our worst can be our greatest wisdom.
If we learn from them. If we ask for forgiveness for ourselves that brings some peace that we may forgive those who trespass against us.
Some folks in the world serve the adversary. The enemy of God, While others simply are lost in the world as I was in the past. From circumstances and situations that were beyond my control as a child.
As I grew to became an adult I was still the damaged child for decades. The past was all I knew. To do to others what was done to me.
I didn't know in those decades that I was reliving the dark days of my youth over and over, again and again, each day.
And then one day as I was lost, suddenly I was found. When I was blind in an instant I could see. I didn't know this stranger to me. But he said to me, "Come Unto Me. Let Me Show You A Better Way. Follow Me",
And so I did.
I am still following today. Although I have a very, very, long way to go. Progress Not Perfection.
And although I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil. For you are with me always. Thy rod and staff they do comfort me.
Fear Is The Enemy. And Anger Perpetuates It.
And Lord, My Father, In Your Name, I Embrace An Infinite And Eternal Abundance Of Love And Forgiveness.
For I Am Still A Child. A Child of God. And Only Through You Can There Be The Return To Innocence. That Which Can Make My Mind And Heart Pure And Free Again.
Thanks for letting me share again. Peace, Love, and Healing.😍🙏🤩
I testify from personal experience that it is hard to fathom completely surrendering to God. I mean 100% I had to learn to understand this by witnessing the results for myself. The Hard Way. LOL!
In the same way, a boxer in the ring does. When you are totally knocked out, you have no more will to fight and can't get up. It's over. There is no resistance at all. Period. You're done.
Done doesn't mean you can think. Thinking too much to convince yourself of what you already want to hear yourself say so as to avoid giving up anything at all.
Yea it's hard to believe, conceive and perceive giving away all that you love, have worked hard for, and your life. But I believe that Jesus did just that for me. Its a fear, Yes, so there must be faith.
What I had to do when I was out there in my addiction, mania, and depression, was to finally listen to someone who l.oved me. A man that didn't even know me! But he saw me suffer. I didn't know why back then but I had to take his suggestion to try something different and new.
What did I have to lose? I was dying? I was living in self-destruction after all. I couldn't imagine that the Son of God would come near me at all doing what I was doing to myself. Hell, nobody would. I wouldn't do it either if I were a stranger to myself. Hmmm? Then again maybe I was
So this real stranger to me reached out and invited me to his care. He fed me and gave me a place to rest. He was a recovered addict himself for many years.
He knew it was only a matter of time before the drugs and satan would be calling for me. And he knew that he couldn't stop me.
But he was so kind and I was so tired. His love for me seemed so sincere and honest but he didn't even know me or I thought he couldn't know me. But he did because he said that he was me at one time in his life.
So I cried as I took his hand. I surrendered to this man. He wasn't God, but I surrendered to him anyway. He knew what to do with me and what to expect. All he asked me to do was nothing at all.
But I instinctively knew what to do. Follow him. That's all. The rest overtime all feel into place. It was a tremendous amount of work, study, and gathering in rooms of support abound with love and like-kind old souls.
When I thought I was invisible to society these folks could see me. They could hear me, And they could feel me. My pain. Its been since 2009 now I have been free from emotional bondage and free from addiction.
From then on. to sun up to sundown I pray. It's easy to always be praying you never stop. And you don't feel as you have to and you don't feel regret from forgetting either.
You're in pray mode all the time! LOL! It's automatic. And as long as I stay connected to God I am safe, secure, confident, and have everything I want and need.
Of sure you say. Everything?
Yes, I say, everything!
But how can this be? It isn't possible or realistic.
Oh but my reality may be different than yours.
My perspectives may be more optimistic and positive than reality.
Is God-reality or fiction?
I would answer your question. But in order to prove to you that God exists? You must prove to me that God does not exist. You cant and nor can I.
But I can feel him. I know it because I would not be alive today had he not be real. To me.
So surrender? Complete and total surrender? All my money? My family, my dogs, and all that I stand for? My identity? Who I am? Everything? Do you mean all that I am and have?
Well as for me? Who I was? Was killing me, sooooooooooo?.....
Come On! No human can do that.
Well, it depends on what you think you need. Is it what you need to live?. Like air, water, and food?. My, God feeds my soul. Nurtures my mind, lifts my spirit, and cleanses my heart. All this to see what I already have and more to live or I would die
The very smallest, but the most important things in life. I have love. I have Christ's love. I have self-love. I have love from so many friends and I have my family's love and trust back again that I had lost when I was lost.
I actually wasn't looking for God, God found me. He knew what was going on with me. He just was waiting for me to come back to him. But I didn't even know that I was with him. Now, I know that he has been with me all of my life since I was born.
It's like this. I am not afraid anymore to give up absolutely everything in my life or my life itself. Because God doesn't take it all away from me. He just wants to see if I am willing to give it to him.
I get most of it back. But he takes what I don't need that I thought I needed. Turns out that God knows what I need and want more than I do. LOL! It's true! But it took me a long time to trust.
On the streets, you trust no one. Its just survival. But I am not an animal and was not intended to live as one. So when I surrender I get amazing things, more than I could know ever before. Things I never expected and things that I didn't even know that I would like!
Suddenly yet gradually things kept getting better, and Better and BETTER! I just had to give up what I thought I wanted in order to get something better.
Because now I realized, "How could I get anything better if I didn't appreciate what I already had?" When I was dying out there I didn't appreciate my precious life and a very short time on earth. That is until I almost lost it all.
Why wait until then? Until its, all gone, in a blink of an eye?
So optimism -vs reality? For me? One and the same. What was I holding onto that made me so sad? That I always felt so bad. From the things that I thought I never had? I couldn't know until I gave it all up!
And believe me, when I believed in him, there was Peace, Love, and Happiness? I'm having the time of my Life! Every day is a good day even on a bad day! Because the bad days could never compare to my past.
I may not be where I am supposed to be. And maybe I never will be. But I sure as hell ain't where I was! Can I Get An Amen! Oh, Yeah Baby! Hallelujah! Woo Hoo!🤩
Thanks for letting me share again! 🥰
LOL! No, I am not angry!
But I have discovered since I have been sharing my personal story post-experiences and observations for about a year now the most readers that I get at one time are when I make post topics on human behaviors.
I make these posts in hopes of offering some understanding, and suggestions on how to possibly overcome emotional setbacks our lives or cause us negative and even harmful outcomes.
This is cool because these areas of behavioral science such as psychology, sociology, psychopathy, neuropsychology, and psychiatry as an amateur, are my fields of interest and I consider myself a "Student of Interest".
So as usual in my story post, I share from where, my uncredited, credentials developed.
This basically means if you love gardening, mechanics, coin collecting, or anything that you enjoy doing all the time and have for a long time then that makes you an expert at what you love to do.
You may get an academic degree or certification training or simply give experienced advice to those who share your interests. Either way, you are a knowledgeable teacher.
However, I am not a deeply, studied university-educated professional scientist, of course. But I like to read and research what they write about and teach.
I am more like a very curious kid, with severe Bipolar disorder 2 who lived a very self-destructive life for decades.
But at the same time, I possessed naturally the ability to observe and evaluate, my own negative behaviors as I grew up. But also at the same time, I could not stop doing what I was doing to myself and others until I learned how to stop.
I was aware of what was happening to me, But I didn't know why? And I wanted to know, Not unlike most abused kids I didn't understand what I did so wrong that I was being treated so badly.
Naturally, as I grew up as a product of these environments I believed that was who I was and lived that way. And all my choices were bad. I Was Angry and I wanted everyone to know it!
And the only way I could slow down long enough from Mania was from, God's Grace, and the medication that he sent to me through actual psychiatric-scientist and the support and love from my recovery community, with all my brothers and sisters there like me.
So I had a direct association as a client, peer, and patient in many different areas of emotional problems and behaviors
I used to be angry all the time! For most of my life 57 years! But I rarely get angry today. Although I do still get mad, frustrated, impatient, intolerant, and teed-off! But that is not angry,
And my recovery time now is fast. I can recognize my triggers when they are occurring to me before I make a hasty and remorseful judgment from anger.
Because I do not like the feeling of being angry anymore and today my life span of time is short and each moment is precious. Besides what will I tell God if he asks me, 'Was I Happy?" How would I feel if I was always angry?
But that may be one challenge of many that God placed upon our human emotions to see how we manage things. But how we display them and how our emotions can be used to express ourselves can be wonderful, warm, caring, and/or beneficial.
But they also can be harmful, bring unwanted consequences, and/or cause irreversible damage.
Emotions build our character and are a big part of developing the quality of our personalities, characteristics, cognition, coping mechanisms, etc. that can determine our reactions, responses, and behaviors towards life's common and inevitable, multifarious, circumstances and situations.
What occurs from our actions and reactions is the outcomes Good or Bad, Great, or Regretable. So this story post today will focus on one of the most consequential of all human emotions. AnGeR! Likely the negative outcomes can lead to Jails, Institutions, or Death!
They can destroy relationships or rekindle them by bringing a closer love from reconciliation. In other words Kiss and Make-Up. Woo Hoo!
When spouses or friends discover that they have overcome their arguments, disagreements, or anger towards each other then what has been established when these types of divisive emotional problems do occur, is security developed from believing that, "Hey, if we can overcome this, then we can overcome anything that comes our way in the future that would otherwise create barriers of negative feelings.
Love or Anger Grows. It's All Up To Us.
That's is if both parties want to overcome other issues or not. Many issues can derive from stresses of all kinds. Financial, Health, Losses of Loved Ones, Divorce, Unemployment, Debt, etc.
And drugs and alcohol do not help but do escalate the actions and reactions of anger. These can lead to all kinds of abuses. Mental, Verbal, Physical, and/or Emotional abuse can impair and consume a person's life.
But there are many options for healing out there. Sharing with others in support groups to discover that you are not alone by far in all the trauma and you will see and hear that others have been through what you have in similar and different ways as well.
There is a process to all this. There are acquired methods, tools, skills, and education that will arm you in defense and offense as we go into an emotional battle with ourselves.
But To The Victors Go The Spoils Of War! We are no longer victims of fear, abuse, misery, depression, anger, and emotional pain. The More We Know The Less The Scars Rule Over Our Lives!
For me, there were 4 general stages.
Stage1. Willingness. I had to take the hand of someone. They told me that I didn't need to do or know anything, except try to trust. They told me that I had nothing to lose or worry about, and I had a mountain of relief, peace, and even happiness to gain over time.
Stage 2. Knowledge. The new awareness that you develop means more understanding of what had happened to us and why it did.
Stage 3. The New Anger. This was a new and positive way of channeling anger that allowed me to gain freedom from emotional bondage. The angry force that was needed to break the iron chains.
Stage 4. The New Freedom. Yet another revelation!
"It Wasn't My Fault!.
I Didn't Ask For This!
And I Did Not Give Permission For Anyone To Harm Me!"
This was another waking opportunity for understanding. It leads me to more positive anger. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh! Yes! Let It All Out! Here! Hit This Pillow! Do It Again! Scream At It!
Stage 4. The Tears Roll. After the exhaustion from so much energy being released, one may come to the tears, as they cleanse the Fury with Purifying Fire! At least for now. We practice with each other in these support groups.
"Cleanse the Fury with Purifying Fire! It just sounded so cool and dramatic. LOL! But you git it right?
As we cry undescribably we may hear our peers laughing, as the room embraces you with hugs. They are not laughing at you but are reflecting on themselves, as they went through this process.
They too remember experiencing the first time feelings of Surrender and Letting Go!
But those making peace with their demons is not a large population of folks on the planet out of Billions.
Understandably so. Especially depending on the severity of the abuses or event trauma, that they had been exposed to. Healing takes a very long time. It takes years! It takes the rest of your life!
But the Great News is that from the very moment you start. the healing journey begins. And for many, freedom comes from the pain.
And in about a month you will Feel So Much Better! Now you have new hope and faith in your peers. You have a new family and a new Love.
And you may believe that there is a kind and forgiving God, That sees and Loves us as being "Perfectly Imperfect" as we were intended to be!
Now we can make sense where there was before only confusion and senselessness. And now our most horrible experiences can be our Greatest of Wisdom! Now we may help others with a passion who suffered as we once did to begin to heal.
Make it all work for you. Use the past to your favor. Pass it on, pay it forward. Take comfort in that this new amazing life we now have of purpose and reason that can save lives and could not have been possible without knowing what we know from what we went through.
Now we are responsible to help others. Because we survived it all. Now we are leaders. Despite Free Will, we feel we have no choice in order to keep what we now have we "must" give it away.
And it feels so good that it isn't a "Have To" but a "Want To". It feels so good I fact that you want to do it all the time! It becomes the reason why we are here.
We may share from our experiences that "It's Ok To Be Angry. It's A Human Emotion. It's a Natural Feeling To Be Angry.
But Teach-In Wisdom, "Don't Stay Angry For Too Long"
Ah! So now we are discussing how harboring Anger is a disease that acts like a virus that eats at our hearts, minds, and souls.
And in the spiritual sense, we all know that to every light side of life there is a very dark place that leaves us vulnerable to the opposite of good and of God. The very clever, yet sinister adversary, known by many vile names.
The only reason for its existence is to destroy humankind. And it has hundreds of thousands of ways to get us Angry. But every way it tries is all derived from one root all negative emotions. Fear.
Want a tip from me? Don't even be angry at the enemy of God. Its what it does. It is its only job.
What if you used that positive anger you learned about to release your demons and then you realize that it was the enemy all along that had been influencing you to hold onto your pain that caused you so anger and depression to only be angry at the enemy?
That Is What It Wants. It Does Not Care Who You Are Angry r At Or What About, As Long As Your Anger Keeps You Where You Are. You Are A Prisoner In Your Own Cell Holding The Key.
Ok here's yet another example of anger to discuss, Anger From Fear.
Perhaps you have heard of "The Fight-or-Flight Response" (also known as the "Acute Stress Response", which refers to a physiological (psycho-social) reaction that occurs when we are in the presence of something that is mentally or physically Terrifying to us. Yes In Fear Mode!
The term "Fight-or-Flight" represents the choices that our ancient ancestors had when faced with danger in their environment. They could either fight or flee. In either case, the physiological and psychological response to stress prepares the body to react to the danger.
So as an example. If a dog is very scared of being cornered with no way to escape, then the stress is (Fight) and the dog may get vicious and ferocious! But if it were possible for the dog to run away then the stress is (Flight)
As with we humans, our nervous system stimulates the "Adrenal Glands", triggering the release of such biochemical hormones such as (Adrenaline and Noradrenaline).
And we all know what that means!? Whether it be Extreme Sports, Winning The Lottery, or Murder its a RUSH!
This "Syndrome" is a chain of reactions that increases Heart Rate, Blood Pressure, and Breathing Rate. If the danger passes and the threat is gone, it takes between 20 to 60 minutes for the body to return to its pre-arousal levels.
And within these few seconds, the worst can occur and it can be too late to undo what had been done.
If you have anger issues then Please seek Anger Management Help from programs, therapy, counseling, or classes.
If you don't seek out help a Court Judge may appoint you. And worse if you harm yourself or others then you have the jails, institutions, and even deadly consequences mentioned earlier in this post.
And if you harm someone you that you love? Then you may never be able to live with the guilt from the reget. And you have lost your rights and freedom while living in a brutal environment. Sorry to be so harsh but its a harsh subject.
Now, let's discuss again, "The Right Reasons To Be Angry At The Right Things!"
Allow me to explain...ahem....."I HAVE HAD ENOUGH! I WILL NO LONGER SIT HERE AND TAKE YOUR ABUSE! GET OUT! NOW!"
Oooooooooooooooooooooooo Weeeeeeeeeeee! Yes, Baby!
Find Out What It Means To Me!
Or How Bout This One?
At first, I was afraid, I was petrified
Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side
But then I spent so many nights thinking how you did me wrong
And I grew strong
And I learned how to get along
And so you're back
From outer space
I just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face
I should have changed that stupid lock, I should have made you leave your key
If I'd known for just one second you'd be back to bother me
Go on now, go, walk out the door
Just turn around now
'Cause you're not welcome anymore
Weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye?
You'd think I'd crumble?
You'd think I'd lay down and die?
Oh no, not I, I will survive
Oh, as long as I know how to love, I know I'll stay alive
I've got all my life to live, I got all my love to give
I Will Survive!
I Will Survive!
Woo Hoo! Ok Folks! Thanks for letting me share once again!
Howdy there. My Name is Clay Burton. I was born in Galveston County, Tx in 1963 and have lived in Hitchcock Tx. for at least 40 years now. but only the past year or so I have become a very active volunteer in local community services here in Hitchcock.