I do not dream very often but when I do they are vivid and significant. I tend to not forget them either. They may fade into the back of my mind, but then suddenly and unexpectedly one day that dream will surface again.
However I rarely ever have nightmares. Can be years in between them. But I had one last night. My nightmares are not about Monsters but trauma. We all have trauma or many of some kind.
What may seem like a small trauma to some, can be a Big Trauma to the victim. It's about how badly it affects the victim.
When I have a good dream I am excited to share it with someone.
When I have a strange or odd dream that I have no idea what the hell it was about or where the thoughts could have come from, I will try to find someone that I feel who has good insight to help me interpret them if I am feeling so compelled to do so.
But, when I have a Nightmare I rarely tell anyone. Because I feel that I need to make peace with it. It may be a very personal and intimate event containing secrets from my past that still today I have not shared with anyone.
I contemplate on whether I need to or want to expose myself from the most embarrassing and regrettable moments in my past life.
I think the reason that I really have a personal nightmare such a these is that I have worked very hard for so many years educating myself in recovery communities that I have gathered an insurmountable stockpile of life coping skills when dealing with emotional trauma.
None the less, reliving the traumatic nightmare from the past is the same nightmare I have in my sleep.
And on even more rare occasions I will have one of those "Jump Up In Bed, In A Dripping Sweat Nightmares" where you are feeling your body to make sure it is there and the bed, too while looking around to see if what is happening is real or not.
And when I finally do feel that it was all only a nightmare I have the feeling of "THANK GOD!". However I will stay where I am on the edge of the bed for a while in shock until I can get a grip on things,
I even may wonder my groggy state if the nightmare was real and that the wonderful life I have today is actually is unreal?
But that would mean it was a wishing dream right?
So then it's definitely a nightmare!? But no worries folks! That passes. It's, not a horror movie! LOL!
Even though when I know for certain that right now is real, I am still fascinated and emotionally moved to want to know more about it by investigating what could this nightmare be trying to show me?
I do believe in messages from God. Whether they are a biochemical reaction or not. I believe that God made all things and that includes biology and other sciences,
After all, science is the study of all things. But science is not the God that many make it to be, in my opinion, as is theirs.
The first thing that I do is try to identify where I am in a nightmare. If it is unfamiliar to me, then I ask myself, "What kind of place is this that compares to where I have been before?".
Then I attempt to identify the feelings that I am having. Am I Scared, Sad, and Lost, or simply Horrified altogether!
What are my behaviors? What am I thinking and doing in the nightmare?
With these observations and conclusions, the story unfolds.
My nightmares are always the same base scenario. They are reflections of actual; situations that I have experienced many times. These events did traumatize me. PTSD (Post Traumatic Syndrome Disorder).
PTSD isn't only about having violence done to you but also from witnessing it.
In a nightmare, you can witness what you are doing to yourself that which is violent. That likely will trigger terrific guilt and shame,
Self-destruction induced by depression or rage employing suicide attempts, drug abuse, degradation, and other self-afflicting and traumatizing behaviors.
Not to ever dismiss the travesty of one's physical, verbal, mental, and emotional abuse by others done onto the victim but my nightmares are not about my abusers or the violence but the damage that I inflicted upon myself.
But over many years I had to learn that most of the damage that I believe I did to myself wasn't actually my own intentional harm.
You see I had been blaming myself for far too many things that were not in my control to prevent from happening. But I felt as if somehow, that I caused my own harm by causing someone else to harm me, and as a result, I did even more harm to myself.
We can carry these nightmares with us all of our lives with no reprieve as the tapes play over and over and they are real! We may never, ever forget them!
But can we make peace with them? Is it possible to understand them? Why these nightmares are occurring?.
Of course, it is possible in many numerous therapeutic ways. But you have to be willing to participate. If you are resistant to seek help it may be that you don't want help.
I know my nightmares were all I had and they were my accomplishments as twisted and demeaning as they all were.
Are you confused by me saying that which I just suggested? Well, you might be able to understand it if you seek out the therapeutic help I just suggested.
I am so sorry to seem so harsh. But it's Tough Love. And I Love You and God loves you too, but you are the only one that can save yourself from your own nightmares by forgiving yourself.
And God will save you from the nightmares of the future if we ask him for forgiveness too. But it may not only be violence, it can be abandonment. or any unsafe, unsecured, confusion such as being lost in the middle of nowhere with no money, or way to call for help.
Imagine how a helpless child or an innocent animal must feel in that way when they are unexpectantly abandoned too?
When I runway from home at 15 due to unbearable environmental circumstances, I had to survive on the streets, It is a very dangerous and unpredictable lifestyle at such a young age while being preyed upon by vultures cruising in cars persuading you to get in.
And the hunger pangs from not eating were far greater than the risk. It was for me, the leaving proverbial frying pan called home into the fire of the big cities.
I remember having to endure their pleasures that seemed to me like forever and then afterward, only to not get compensated in any way that would ease my hunger and then also to be put out of the car, into the dark with nowhere insight to go.
But that was not the worst of it all. I could have been left for dead many times living this way, and never to be seen or heard from again.
Just a cold case file that could empty a mother's soul from never knowing. My God I Love My Mom And Family! Thank You, Jesus Christ!
My amends to them is every day that I take care of myself and pass on that care to others in need. What better way to forgive ourselves other than making sense of all that was so senseless before and putting ital;l to Good use.
Now, these nightmares were also daymares. Sometimes I would be sitting in a room watching T.V. or on the computer and an image would trigger a similar experience and my body would shutter and shiver momentarily at the thought.
And at that moment the feeling was extremely uncomfortable, to say the least. And in the same way, also, waking from a nightmare, these daymares also take time to process. But the recovery time today is fast.
Because I trust myself and I trust in my Lord in that there is no reason that I ever have to harm myself again. I never have to worry again about being rescued when I am already saved.
This has always been my dream. To feel safe and secure.
To be doing all the amazing things I am today that I never in a billion years believe that someone like me could be doing so many good things to help so many people understand as I did the difference between a dream and a nightmare.
And Yes! If you believe it, Dreams Can Come True.
Thanks as always for letting me share. Dream Big!
Howdy there. My Name is Clay Burton. I was born in Galveston County, Tx in 1963 and have lived in Hitchcock Tx. for at least 40 years now. but only the past year or so I have become a very active volunteer in local community services here in Hitchcock.