I didn't find God. God found me by Clay Burton

I didn't find God. God found me. I was lost, and then I was found. But it took most all of life. Actually God and the son, Jesus Christ, was always with me. Even when I was doing the worst to myself. I didn't realize in those horrible places of sinful and dark self-destruction that Jesus was weeping while holding me the entire time. I believed like so many emotionally damaged, as was I, who were perhaps exposed to unimaginable environments and unspeakable abuses could ever be redeemed. It is very common for the innocents being abuse to believe that somehow it was their own fault that is causing them to be abused. And so the endless question in the mind gets lost in the confusion of, Why? What did I do so wrong to deserve this? As a result, typically comes the need for relief. And to often that relief comes in the from of many kinds of addictions. Temporary fixes that comfort, but for only a short while and then must be replaced again and again to avoid the pain. And so the insanity of doing the same things over and over begins and never would seem to end. I spent many decades like this. Growing older and yet too emotionally immature to cope with life like a productive member of society. I behaved like a reject, I was told that I was a reject, so I believed that I was one, and that was who I thought I was for a vey long time. Being a reject was all that I knew, it was my identity, and it was there for me everyday. As if it were some kind of twisted and reliable security that I could count on. It was the only thing that I knew how to do well. To do bad. The rest is a long, long story. But today, it is only by Gods Good Grace and the love, hope and forgiveness of Jesus Christ our Lord, our King, is it that I see, when I was so blind for so long. I have 12 years now free from addiction and substance abuse. I am a volunteer behavioral, recovery coach. Today I carry the message. I share my experience and strength. I never could have fathomed that the very things that could have killed me, would actually serve as wellness for others as it does now. What had happened was, that God, through my complete surrender, of my self-will, for only his, had turned every single horrible sin that I had invoked, into wisdom that could not have been acquired any other way for me. God had a plan for me and millions of others like me. To be his vessels, his testimonies, his ministers and his soldiers. It is one thing to suffer, and another to survive. Some of us in the wars go home as child back to Father, while others stay here to win the daily battles on earth for a while longer. We have work to do. And that is the real reason and purpose that I have today. This is my true identify. That I was born perfectly-imperfect. That God loves a sinner like me and uses broken spirts to achieve great and amazing things! I could never, ever possibly want, need or have a more wonderful life that I have today. I am free from emotional bondage and no longer a slave to Satan's influence. He may be there, I cannot and will not deny him. He is always there to remind me. But the only power that Satan has over me now, is the power that I give his influence over me. I allow it. How is this possible? Because of pure faith. If I fear Satan and worry about his influences everyday, then am I saying that he is as or more powerful than God is? I think not. Because the exact opposite of faith, literally is doubt. There cannot be both doubt and faith in the same room. And since my past is now useful wisdom, I keep busy all the time. No time to think too much, until its the time to think. I can see more than I could have ever seen before through the eyes of my Savior. After all? Who could ever suffer more the humiliations, rejection, abandonment and torture than the Holy Christ did? So in conclusion, That which did not kill me, only made me stronger. Complete Surrender was
not me being defeated at all. But it was giving up control. Ironically I never was in control of anything. Thank God I know this now! So life will bring me hardships and sorrow. But the great thing about living in hell is, that there is not much that happens now, that I cant get through. Because not much can compare to the hell I was living in. Progress not perfection. I may not be where I am supposed to be yet, but I sure as hell ain't where I was. Thank you for this awesome opportunity to share. Clay Burton